TCHB-060 Secret Records of a Certain Man 17

At night, while uploading videos in front of my computer, I was reading a book that had recently become a hot topic.

I won’t name the title, but it was a story about women.

Desire and consumption.
Those words stayed in my chest for some reason.

My job is to edit and post provocative videos of women.
This will perform well, so prioritize it.
No emotions needed. Just look at the numbers.

I remembered how the older man always used to say that.

At first, I hated his arrogant, cold attitude and the way he treated people like tools.
Just seeing his face made something inside me feel rough and uneasy.

And yet, before I knew it, I had started to feel elated or crushed by a single word from him.

If he praised me, I felt relieved.
If he ignored me, I couldn’t sleep.

Before I realized it, I had stopped seeing the women on the other side of the screen as anything more than content or products.

In that book, the women ate, desired, chose, and lived with confidence. They embraced their own lives as their own.

And yet I was living by arranging other people’s desires
and feeding on other people’s judgments.

I closed the book and looked at the screen.
A beautiful woman.
A woman with a great body.
A woman who seems perfect for a casual relationship.
A woman who looks like she’d make a good wife.

In the end,
their lives are torn apart by men
and turned into numbers.

And my fingers keep pressing those numbers without a word.
When did it start?
I began to want to become like that older man.

Strong, cold,
and someone who feels nothing.

Maybe I thought that if I could become that way, this job and this daily routine would become easier.

But now that I’ve finished the book,
that thought feels a little frightening.

I’m still here, still hesitating in front of the computer screen,
and yet I still can’t stop my fingers.

Even so, the fact that I can still think something is wrong
is the only small comfort I have.
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